Three Mad Girls: A Swashbuckling Tale!
by Budgie-loon
Summary: Three poor (yet charming) girls in Port Royal. Fed up with their neighbours sexploits, Natalie decides they should embark on a life of piracy. Mad, mental, fun tale. Featuring a sarcastic lass, a shy, mad girl and a general wench! R&R despite badness!
1. Prologue: Oh shit!

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Pirates of the Caribbean or Disney. Not even Norrington's hat. The bastard wouldn't give it to me.

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'Oh shit!'

A series of disgruntled complaints escaped from the three girl heap in the corner. It took several attempts to disentangle their limbs and even when they were able to stand up, they fell over again.

"Good luck in there, ladies!" the overweight guard laughed cruelly as he transported his generously proportioned backside away from the brig (presumably toward the kitchen where he would probably end up getting the kitchen maid pregnant in exchange for a pork pie)

"Ooooooh!" one of the three girls shouted at him, "I hope you die of some painful sexually transmitted disease, you obese piece of crap!"

She then slumped back against the wall of the cell, biting the inside of her cheeks. The other two looked around in panic. This was well and truly 'one of those days'!


	2. Natalie: A Very Good Idea At The Time!

It was all Natalie's fault. It was because of her 'cunning plan' that they had ended up in the brig of the Interceptor.

Natalie was full of 'cunning plans'. Most of which either never materialized or turned out to be not so cunning after all. She had left home at 15 for the simple reason that her younger sister annoyed her. However, lonesome living would never have suited her, so she roped her friends Jemma and Laura into leaving their families, to embark on a little adventure known as 'the three teenage girls who cannot cook living together disaster'!

It was residing in a dingy room with a sexually enthusiastic elderly couple next door, living on bread and peas that sparked the latest idea in Natalie's head. She couldn't stand having to listen to the endless pensioner orgasms from the other side of the wall a minute longer.

"Right!" she said, standing on a rickety wooden table, "We are leaving this dump!"

"We are?" Laura said through a mouthful of peas, "Where are we going?"

A determined, steely look filled Natalie's eyes. She turned her head dramatically to gaze out of the window. "Anywhere the ocean takes us!"

Jemma nearly choked on her pea sandwich.

"You mean…piracy!" she gasped.

"That's EXACTLY what I mean!" Natalie grinned, clicking her fingers in Jemma's face. "We just have to commandeer a ship, make a black sail and declare war against the world!"

"That easy!" Jemma smiled, "YAY!"

"But isn't piracy ille…" Laura began, before she was interrupted by loud shouts of 'YES DONALD! HARDER!' from next door. "Never mind then!" she finished.

That night the three girls packed small travel bags, full of essentials: food, weaponry and make up and hair accessories.

Rooting through Natalie's bag, Laura found something disgusting and vile. So sickening she nearly vomited. It was marmite. Laura simply glared at Natalie and threw the jar of black badness away.

After a few vicious catfights on the 'yay or nay' of marmite, the girls left at around 3 in the morning. They couldn't risk anyone seeing them leave. They could then be followed and stalked by vicious landlords asking for outstanding rent (not that the girls were debtors or anything like that…). The old life was gone, yet piracy had not begun. They were in the limbo of life. Or 'in between jobs' as some people so eloquently put it.

The first step on the road to piracy is to commandeer a ship. An easy enough task one may say. Not so if the people attempting to commandeer it are three 19 year old females with as much nautical experience as an upper class Parisian poodle.

"Now remember….quiet! We don't want some Navy officer catching us!" Natalie whispered.

"What's the plan, Natalie?" Jemma quipped up nervously.

"Well, being the genius that I am, I planned ahead. I have rope."

Laura looked at her with a sarcastically raised, perfectly plucked eyebrow, "and rope will aid us, how?"

Natalie sighed and remarked "Look up."

"I see the sky!" Jemma whispered in delight.

"Not the sky you idiot! There's a tree. We can tie the rope onto that thick branch then swing from that wall onto the ship."

Natalie, the 'fearless leader' went first. She placed her foot firmly on the uneven stonework and propelled herself off the wall. An exhilarating surge of adrenaline coursed through her as the wind blew through her hair. She landed on the deck of the ship with catlike precision. She signalled to Laura to go next.

Laura landed with similar ease, although swung from the rope a little longer (she found it kind of fun to be dangling in mid air). Now it was Jemma's turn.

Jemma got hold of the rope alright; she pushed her self off wonderfully. But then panic set it. Everything around her was a blur and her heart beat increased rapidly. The other two were whispering in desperate prayer 'don't scream, don't scream!'

But she did. It was a loud banshee like shriek. And she landed with a great big thump on the deck.

"Someone would've heard that!" Natalie hissed in panic.

"Indeed they would have," a commanding male voice stated, sounding thoroughly pissed off.

The girls turned in the direction of the voice. It was from a clearly high ranking officer on board. Natalie and Jemma groaned but Laura simply went 'ooooooh!' in delight.

"You are not allowed aboard this ship. I'm afraid I have no choice but to have you thrown in the brig until further questioning."

Laura began to protest until a snivelling man came up to her face and said 'You do not question Commodore Norrington's authority!"

"That will do Gillette," the man who was obviously Commodore Norrington sighed, "just take them below decks."

Gillette was clearly in his element and clearly fancied the arse of Norrington and with a ridiculous amount of enthusiasm said 'Yes Commodore! I will see that Mr. Regg deals with them!"

Gillette then led the girls down to the Mr. Regg (the cell guard). Not before Laura had shot a seductive glance and Norrington and whispered to him "I love a man to be authoritative."

Norrington just blinked in alarm.


	3. Laura: Hats and whips!

AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter is not as good as the last so, depending on reader feedback, I may edit it later. Please R&R and keep reading people!

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Natalie, Laura and Jemma were getting very bored. There's only so many times you can play 'I spy' locked in a cell without going slightly crazy. Jemma, in fact, had started to bang her head against the wall.

"That's not going to help!" Natalie snapped.

Jemma pulled her head away to reveal a growing lump on her forehead.

"Ooh fireflies!"

With that she crashed out cold on the floor.

"Idiot," Laura muttered, "I don't know about you but I'm actually looking forward to being interrogated!"

"Why!"

"Well…that Commodore was a bit of alright! I hope he's very…thorough….with his investigations!" she smirked, "I don't know what it is about him, but I think he's very sexy! Maybe it's the hat!"

Natalie looked at her sardonically and replied, "Laura…there's nothing 'about him', you just find every man we run into attractive!"

Laura looked hurt. "That's not true! I didn't like the hairy midget!"

Jemma recovered very quickly to shout "Well that didn't stop you inviting him back to our place!"

"Look…he was rich. He came from a very wealthy family of dwarves! I was going to take the money then kick him out!"

Before the debate of Laura's relationship with the affluent dwarf could arise, Mr. Regg came to call them to their interrogations.

"You first," he sneered, pointing a grubby finger at Jemma, "and no protesting or it's flogging for ya!"

"Ooh whips!" Laura cried in delight.

Regg grabbed Jemma firmly by the hand and led her above deck, where Gillette was waiting to lead her to the Commodore, his one true love.

"Look, I'm not a criminal!" Jemma fumed.

"Really?" Gillette smirked, looking her over with disgust, "Because you certainly LOOK like one!"

"Pillock!" muttered Jemma under her breath.

Norrington didn't even have to start questioning before Jemma panicked.

"I DIDN'T DO IT! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT! IT WASN'T ME!" she shrieked.

"SHUT UP!" Norrington sighed, "I won't arrest you for being on board the ship alone, but I need to find out if your intentions were illegal…do you understand?"

Jemma threw herself at Norrington's feet, sobbing in terror.

"Please, I wasn't being bad! I don't want to die! I shall be your eternal slave!" Jemma snivelled, "I SHALL KISS YOUR FEET!"

"YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT!" Norrington gasped, "Please remove yourself from the general area of my toes!"

"But I want to kiss them!"

"NO!" he shrieked, "I have a phobia of anything…sexual….to do with feet!"

Jemma sat up in revulsion, "I am in no way sexually attracted to your foot!"

Norrington, realising Jemma would be as much use to his inquiries as a toad with three breasts, sent her to be watched by Regg whilst Natalie was put under the spotlight.

"So, it appears you're the leader of this little 'gang'?"

"I am the most intelligent, superior and beautiful of them all, yes."

"It was your idea then. This little," Norrington paused trying to think of a word, "…escapade?"

"No. It was my idea to leave our home because the couple next door, who I might add are in their mid 90s, are constantly at it like rabbits!"

Norrington wrinkled his nose.

"Exactly!" Natalie continued, "Commodore Norrington, I am very sorry we ended up on this ship. No criminal action was intended. We were desperate girls, in desperate times! You would surely have laughed if you had seen us swinging on a rope at 3am!"

"No I would not! I do not laugh. I do not smile. I do not cavort. I am not jolly. I am not happy. I am not fun. Now if you don't mind, I have to query your friend."

Natalie sighed as she slid off to join Jemma with Regg.

Laura pouted as she saw Norrington (and also thrust her chest out a great deal more than was necessary!), ran a few fingers through her hair and fluttered her eyelashes.

"Right. I needed to hear YOUR side of the story," snapped Norrington irritably.

"Oh but you're so TENSE, Commodore! Are you sure you wouldn't like a massage? You know, to relieve your…stress."

Norrington sat up straight and inhaled deeply through his nose.

"No thank you!"

"Are you sure?" Laura asked.

She got up and walked over to Norrington and ran a finger across his chest. Giggling at his clearly terrified face she pushed him onto a chair.

"Don't look so scared!" she laughed, "I won't hurt you….well not much anyway!"

Norrington whimpered in apprehension as Laura straddled him. He had never met a woman this forward before. They had always been so quiet, meek and reserved. Although he was confused (and frankly, scared shitless) he was secretly enjoying it. He raised his hand to his head, before Laura grabbed it.

"No!" she smiled, "You can leave your hat on…"


	4. Jemma: Slave in the Cupboard

Authors Note: The majority of this chapter was written in a very boring maths lesson. I believe I was supposed to be studying Pythagoras' Theorem. Which explains a lot really.

Jemma and Natalie grew very impatient. They accepted that Laura was in an interrogation, but hanging around with a depraved old gaoler wasn't exactly their idea of sheer delight and fun beyond all imagining. Besides…he kept beating them at noughts and crosses. As reigning champion of the Noughts and Crosses League, Jemma found this to be most irritating.

"Y'see!' Regg chuckled, 'there's life in this ol' sea dog yet!"

"But you cheated!" Jemma snapped indignantly.

'Pirate!' Regg smirked, before gasping in alarm at his own stupidity.

"You were a pirate?"

"Course I was…didn't the blatantly obvious clichés give it away? The slightly visible wooden leg? Tiny cross stitched Jolly Roger on me hat! And how could you miss the parrot!"

Natalie and Jemma glanced at each other knowingly…they could see Regg longed for his old life back. He could be the fourth member of their new pirate crew!

Meanwhile, Laura was still busy being very thoroughly interrogated. Norrington believed her to be carrying dangerous weapons, so he deemed a full strip search necessary.

"Ooooooh…is that the mast or are you just pleased to see…"

"COMMODORE!" Gillette wailed as he burst in, waving his arms like a complete twit, "PIRATES!"

Norrington promptly pushed Laura off his lap in utter disbelief.

"Pirates!" he cried, "Not again! They keep interrupting me…this is why I'm still a virgin!"

Laura was utterly confused; "Pirates? Again? Virgin?"

"No time to explain," Gillette stated stiffly, his lips pursed, "and don't you think it's about time you put a little more clothing on?"

"I am wearing clothes! Don't throw a hissy fit just because you're jealous! I've seen the way you look at him and I know you want him!"

Norrington was clearly disturbed (and wouldn't you be!) but took control of the situation.

"There is no time for silly arguments! We must look heroic and dashing as we defend our ship…and you Laura, you must pout!"

They ran out onto the deck and saw it swarming with pirates. For supposedly trained swordsmen, the British Navy were proving to be a right load of pansies. The snarling pirates were raping…ahem, _killing_…them left, right and centre.

"Hmm…tricky," Laura mused.

Natalie and Jemma ran up to her, shrieking.

"That's the Black Pearl!" Natalie hissed, pointing to the pirate vessel.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Well we need to get on board!" Natalie snapped

At that moment a cannonball rolled onto the deck, careering towards them and sending them flying into the mast of the Interceptor…when they regained consciousness they were tied to the mast of the Pearl.

"Ah, my good friend Norrington, we meet again,' a man smirked, staggering slightly.

"Jack Sparrow," Norrington nodded in acknowledgement.

"CAPTAIN!" Natalie shrieked in delight, "Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"That's my line, luv!" Jack grinned, "But I thank ye for the support, savvy?"

Jemma nearly died of a fangirly spaz upon hearing the word 'savvy'. Natalie looked thoroughly pleased with herself. She already had an image of joining the infamous Black Pearl's crew, sailing the high seas and having lots of pirate lovin'! But she was brought quickly down to earth by a hard tap on her head.

"Oww! Jemma what was that for?"

"We're not being asked to join the crew, you twit! In case you hadn't noticed we're captives!"

Before Natalie could retort with a, ahem, _witty _reply, she was interrupted by the over enthusiastic clearing of someone's throat.

"Now you lazy whores," spat a green-toothed, cross-eyed pirate, "You have three choices: the plank, our crew or giving me oral…"

Sparrow glared.

"Oral….B toothbrushes."

Jemma looked thoroughly confused. "I don't understand!"

Sparrow circled the captives, eyeing them up and down in turn. He smirked and a twinkle appeared in hi9s devilish eyes as he glanced upon Laura.

"You're about to lose your boobs, luv!"

Laura hissed at him and hoisted her top up with as much dignity as she could muster (difficult, considering that, with her arms bound, she had to use her teeth).

The dull swaggering clunk of Sparrow's booted step continued to walk around his prisoners.

"You two…" he leered, directing his grin at Natalie and Jemma, "…my personal slaves!"

And with that he released them. Jemma flung herself at his feet, refusing to let go.

"Get off!"

"No, no! Jemma loves Captain Sparrow! Jemma is so grateful! Jemma wants to serve Captain Sparrow forever!"

"I bet you do, luv. Now scurry off to me cabin, savvy?"

Jemma remained motionless at his feet for a second, before getting up and rushing off with a baboonish grin and a stupid ran.

Natalie felt her face flood with jealous fury.

"No. I won't be your slave. I want to be a proper pirate. A good pirate. Not some…some…WENCH! That is not my destiny! My destiny is…" she turned her face toward the sky, "…to marry a rich old guy and inherit his millions!"

And for good measure she stomped her foot in the manner of a toddler.

Jemma, meanwhile?

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"No don't worry, new slave! You can sleep under his bed…I live in the cupboard!"

"Who are you?"

"Captain's slave, captain's slave…one of many, one of many…I am Lucy, I am…"

"Let me guess…Lucy!"

Lucy grinned in the most disturbing manner, before getting back into the cupboard.

"Remember new slavey girl…I live in the cupboard!"


End file.
